erisabesu (erisabesu) wrote,
erisabesu
erisabesu

Crack!fic Collab Post: "Put Your Right Foot In"

Title: "Put Your Right Foot In"
Author: erisabesu , roflolmaomg , gilith_ramaloce
Fandom: History's Strongest Disciple Kenichi
Characters: Takeda, Tanimoto, Kenichi
Genre: Crack/Humor
Summary: "...We will never speak of this again."

Note: The image that spawned this round-robin of insanity is this one of Takeda's special training gear:




And just for the hell of it, here's an image of Tanimoto and Kenichi that pretty much shows the nature of their relationship, ahahah. XDDD (We ship these three so hard, but this time we tried to keep it on the tame side.) ;3




Please excuse any errors or inconsistencies, lol, as we were up very late and high on junk food while writing this. XD Without further ado, please enjoy. ♥



"Put Your Right Foot In"

--


Takeda Ikki strips off his sweat-stained T-shirt after a round of private training, and mops his brow on the way into his kitchen. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and rolls it over his flushed neck before twisting off the top and gulping the water down, and then sighs, leaning his hip against the counter. A glance at the clock tells him that he's got just enough time to shower before his company arrives, and so he finishes the water and lobs the empty bottle into the trashcan before striding towards the bathroom--and then the doorbell rings.

Takeda frowns, and detours to look through the peephole of his apartment door. Just as he recognizes Shirahama Kenichi, Kenichi raps his knuckles on the door.

"Takeda!" Kenichi calls him, beaming up at him through the peephole, "I know you're here!"

Takeda sighs. He unlocks the bolt and opens the door. "I thought you weren't coming by until 5:30?"

Kenichi makes no response, other than to blink.

Takeda blinks back, then runs a hand over his ponytail. "Well I guess you can come on inside," he says, inviting him with a tilt of the head and stepping back out of the way.

But Kenichi still does not move, until someone standing off to the side and out of sight kicks him square on the behind.

"Go inside, moron!"

Takeda moves aside as Kenichi comes stumbling and flailing through the doorway, Tanimoto Natsu right behind him with his hands in his pockets.

"Oi, oi," Takeda begins, but Tanimoto takes one look at him and rolls his eyes, cringing his shoulders.

"What the hell, Takeda--you're wearing that thing again?" Tanimoto sighs and walks right into Takeda's apartment.

Takeda looks down for the first time, realizes he's still strapped into his muscle restrictive leather-and-springs training gear, and promptly shuts the door. And turns completely red.

For all the impossibly weird and disturbing and brain-melting experiences Kenichi's had at the dojo, you'd think finding his friend in a creepy, metal, bondage... thing would be low on his list of 'holy shit my eyes' images.

And yet.

"Uh," Kenichi says, pointedly staring at anywhere but Takeda's chest. "So that's an 'all-the-time' kind of training, I see." He'd been under the impression it was just the once, but Kenichi is master at miscalculations.

"Tch, obviously," Tanimoto butts in, rolling his eyes. "Figures a shrimp like you wouldn't know."

Kenichi figures this is the part where he laughs and slaps Tanimoto on the back because they're such good pals, pals who rib on each other all the time.

He laughs, and it's the worst decision ever. It comes out loud and awkward and forced, and rather than the hoped-for reaction of joining him, Tanimoto and Takedo more or less stare at Kenichi until he stops.

"Well."

Tanimoto continues to stare at Kenichi who seems only able to fidget and unable to continue. He glances at Takeda but the moron is still beet red, also useless, leaving the next move completely up to him.

"Tch, watching you two stumble around each other is like watching Honoka try to cook. You'd both die from overheating before you got past the first kiss."

And then he freezes in shock because that was not what he had meant to say at all. And the other two are staring at him in stupified horror, but it makes a strange sort of sense that inexplicably irritates him, making him want to smash their faces together.

"Nevermind," he growls. "Takeda, are you ready to go or not?"

It takes a moment for the boxer to gather his wits, the few that Tanimoto is willing to credit him with, and the blue haired man plasters a grin on his face.

"Yeah, yeah, give me a minute to shower and I'll be right out."

Takeda moves towards the bathroom, stripping himself of the training gear and leaving it on the couch. Tanimoto settles onto the ratty couch and watches as Kenichi slowly unfreezes, and tries to subtly walk over to the metal contraption.

"Don't touch it." Tanimoto snaps, glaring.

Kenichi recoils his outstretched hand, but then turns on Tanimoto and puffs up. "Why not?! This isn't your house is it, Natsu-chan? Anyways I just wanted to see how it worked."

"First of all, it's made for Takeda, so it's too big for a shrimp like you, and second of all, you'll probably hurt yourself the second you touch it," Tanimoto replies, sitting back into the couch . . . only to straighten up immediately to add, "And don't call me Natsu-chan!"

Kenichi narrows his eyes, having been called a shrimp twice now, which actually makes him angry. He snatches the spring contraption from the couch cushion and skips backwards out of Tanimoto's range.

"HA!" Kenichi says, brandishing the apparatus in triumph. "Guess you don't know everything, huh, Natsu-chan?" He wiggles it back and forth in the air in a taunting fashion.

Tanimoto is on his feet immediately, a vein popping in his forehead. "Put that down you moron! Takeda will be out here any minute--"

"That's right!" Kenichi points right at Tanimoto. "He took it off and left it here!"

Tanimoto scowls. "So what?"

"So. . ." Kenichi grins his most sly grin, waggling his eyebrows. "If he took it off then it's not an 'all-the-time' training, so that means you were wrong! Twice!!"

Tanimoto is so furious he actually can't respond for a moment, so he darts forward and wallops Kenichi on the head.

"Ow!"

"You moron," Tanimoto says, exasperated, "You were the one who called it an 'all-the-time' training in the first place! Now give me that--"

Tanimoto grabs for the training harness, and Kenichi, predictibly, tries to pivot and keep it away from him, so Tanimoto's hand closes around one of the springs as the two of them yank with half their strength--the springs expand and then contract with enough force that Kenichi and Tanimoto collide directly into one another and wind up cross-wise on the couch before rolling onto the floor, one hand each trapped inside the harness.

Oh, shit.

For Kenichi, it all sort of happens in slow motion. Cue the narrator delving into just exactly why Kenichi's life is so awful and horrible and never goes right, ever, the deafening background music as he and Tanimoto die in a horrible spring-related accident, endscenerollcreditsboom.

"Ow," is the first thing out of his mouth when he regains consciousness, having slapped his head against the floor much like Miu's hand often does against Shishou Ma's face. His ribs feel permanently bonded to the floor, but it's then he realizes it's because Tanimoto is in a heap on top of him.

"I know this might be an extravagant request," Kenichi wheezes, "but could you possibly get off of me?"

Tanimoto grumbles, shifting around and digging every last pointy bit of him into every last bruise Kenichi has. "You moron," he says, for the billionth time in Kenichi's life. "I told you not to touch it, and now we're stuck in it. I don't even know how that's possible."

Kenichi focuses on breathing and waits to die. "Your thigh is in my kidney and I sincerely hope that's a spring next to it," because oh my God.

"What else would it be?" and the moron is implied.

God, Tanimoto thinks. He had known this would happen. Everything Kenichi touched was a potential for mayham and disaster so why this would be any different Tanimoto didn't know, but sure enough this was just one more incident to add to his fuckmylife list. Tanimoto places a hand on the floor and strains upward only to have the springs snap him back onto Kenichi.

"Would you stop squirming? Tanimoto grits through his teeth. "It's not helping."

"Well, I'm sorry, but you're heavy!"

Tanimoto has half a second to think, fuck me before Kenichi heaves with his hips and flips them over which is good in theory until the springs ricochet their foreheads together and they land prostrate in reverse.

Tanimoto groans and unwisely thunks his head against the floor in the misbegotten hope that it will make everything all go away.

"The only way this situation could possibly get any worse is for Takeda to come out of that door, and STOP SQUIRMING!"

"Um..."

Tanimoto and Kenichi look over to see Takeda wearing a towel and the expression you see people have when watching a car crash.

"It's not what it looks like!" Kenichi blurts out, and Tanimoto thunks his head on the floor again, praying to be put out of his misery.

"I wasn't going to say anything--" Takeda instantly holds up both his hands, but this means he's let go of the towel and Tanimoto gets a perfect upside-down view as it puddles around Takeda's bare feet.

Kenichi's jaw drops into Tanimoto's eye, which may have been a bit of a blessing while Takeda is occupied scrambling for his lost towel.

"Why are you naked under that towel?!" Kenichi exclaims.

"Oi, what do you expect? I just got out of the shower," Takeda tucks the towel securely around his hips, ignoring how red his face has gotten, again. He shakes his loose wet hair.

Tanimoto clenches his teeth and jabs Kenichi in the ribs with his free hand. "That is not really the problem here--"

"It's a big problem!" Kenichi insists.

"--the problem is getting out of this damn thing!" Tanimoto finishes, shifting his knee experimentally.

"Ah, ah, don't--" Kenichi gasps, and then holy fuck he shudders while making the most incredibly arousing face Tanimoto has ever seen in his life.

For a moment, all anyone in the room can hear is Kenichi's labored breathing, and then Tanimoto comes to his senses, predicting exactly what could happen if the squirming and the tightness and the friction continue--he throws his head back to plead with the frozen Takeda.

"A little help here?! NOW!"

Takeda makes a move like he's going to help, but he only adjusts his towel and continues to stare at them, and Kenichi feels the last bit of hope blooming in his chest die out and splutter.

"Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm naked," Takeda says, disappearing into his kitchen for a moment.

"You fuck!" Tanimoto yells, right into Kenichi's face.

"Hopefully not," Kenichi says, but it comes out more like "H-h-hoe," before he dissolves into hysterical and desperate, shaking laughter.

"Oi, no need for insults, boys," Takeda says, and resurfaces with a bottle of water.

"Oh, and what do you suggest we do instead?" Tanimoto fumes. "Thank you for possessing such an infernal contraption that you knew perfectly well Kenichi would touch and thus get us tangled in a huge fucking mess?"

"I didn't know he'd touch it."

"I am right here," Kenichi tries. Tanimoto's leg shifts again but this time it's on purpose and it's a billion times more painful than the first.

"We know. We wish you weren't."

Rude, Kenichi thinks, but keeps it too himself. "Look, all I'm saying is that this affects you both just as much as it affects me. We've got to get out of this thing without breaking it."

"Fuck that," Tanimoto yells into Kenichi's nose. He starts a wild, thrashing scramble, rolling this way and that until Kenichi feels less like a person and more like a pancake. Every so often, Tanimoto's hip pushes right up against Kenichi's no-no area and that's so a no-no.

"I'd GREATLY appreciATE it if y--" he squeaks, and mouths PLEASE GOD up at Takeda, who stares down at them with infuriating nonchalance.

"You break it, you pay for it," Takeda shrugs.

Tanimoto is nearly incoherent with rage and desperation that when Takeda turns to walk into the kitchen he is somehow able to push off the ground and into a standing position. This would have been fantastic news if it weren't for the Kenichi leech on his front. The shorter, Kenichi leech. Kenichi starts to slide down Tanimoto's body, but the momentum Tanimoto had used to get up also propels them forward. He makes a grab for Takeda who tries to skip out of the way but Tanimoto is determined that he join this mess.

The floor shakes as they topple like dominoes. Tanimoto smirks into Takeda's glaring face.

"Uh, guys. I don't feel so well," Kenichi mutters from his creme filling position. Panic crosses both men's faces as both are in a bad position to face projectile vomit.

"Breathe, shrimp, breathe. Don't you dare throw up on me," Tanimoto says as he stares into Kenichi's woozy eyes. His glare cuts back to Takeda as he feels the boxer try and shift out from underneath.

"Oh like hell I'm being on bottom," Tanimoto growls, and there's an awkward scuffle of limbs as both fight around Kenichi for dominance. They're both huffing by the end, still where they started. Except that now Takeda's leg is wrapped up in the exercise trap from hell.

"Now are you ready to help us get out of this thing?"

"I think I have rug burn!"

"What happened to your towel?!" Kenichi sobs, snuffling into Tanimoto's chest alarmingly close to his nipple.

"What do you think happened to it?" Takeda grunts angrily, trying to head-butt Tanimoto.

"This is all your fault!" Tanimoto seethes, trying to work the closest springs and straps over Takeda's head, just because.

"Oi, oi--!"

"Could you just stop it--" Kenichi tries, but just then Takeda's free leg hooks around him and braces against Tanimoto's hip, and the big problem from before is now a major MAJOR problem he can feel through the seat of his uniform trousers.

Tanimoto struggles against Takeda's foot, oblivious to Kenichi's silent fish-face gawping.

"You. Are. So. Dead."

Takeda cocks his head, slowly wriggling out from under them. "You're kinda cute when you're pissed off, Tanimoto-kun!"

Incensed, Tanimoto bares his teeth and he grabs hold of Takeda's ankle and hoists it clear above Kenichi's shoulder. Kenichi--caught between them and flailing in true panic--recovers his voice once more to howl:

"GERONIMO!!!!!!!"

The safeword! I'm saved! Kenichi thinks, his mouth open in an expectant (if not deranged) smile.

Except, nobody comes their rescue, because they're in Takeda's apartment and Takeda happens to be mushed against Kenichi who is mushed against Tanimoto, and goddamnit.

When Kenichi breathes again, his exhale pushes him further into Tanimoto. Being between two men much bulkier than him means Kenichi really doesn't have a say as to how they move, so as both of them struggle he sort of just stares at Takeda's discarded towel in poorly masked despair.

"I'm going to rip off your anus when we get out of here," Tanimoto thunders against Kenichi's head. Takeda laughs like they aren't a tangle of limbs and like he's not naked.

"That's physically impossible, silly goose! But I appreciate you thinking about my ass," he quips, entirely too gleeful for the situation.

Tanimoto hisses in anger, then forces Takeda's leg backwards. Kenichi squawks, because he's about three seconds away from having his eye poked out when he realizes that's a penis against his stomach, Tanimoto has a penis, and when Kenichi shrieks and tries to flail backwards he realizes that's a penis against his lower back, Takeda has a penis.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE A PENIS," Kenichi screams, muffled by Tanimoto's enormous pectoral.

"Don't worry, Kenichi. In just a minute only some of us will have dicks," Tanimoto yells as Takeda dissolves into hysterical laughter. At least until Tanimoto manages to grab onto the offending appendage which then turns the laughter more into squawking.

"GERONI-------"

"Nope, didn't work for Kenichi and it won't work for you. Now, both of you STOP MOVING."

Both obligingly freeze, Kenichi unable to contain little whimpers.

"Kenichi, lift up that cord, no no the one across your shoulder-yes that one-and slide your head through it. Takeda, if you'd pull your hand out from underneath Kenichi's ass and slide your leg through...now..."

Tanimoto swears he can still hear Kenichi mumbling penis under his breath which doesn't make all of the sliding and twisting contortions any less awkward. Ten minutes later, they are finally out of the contraption and Tanimoto has plans to take a blow torch to it. A high powered blow torch.

The three of the them are sitting around it, all afraid to touch it lest it leap at them again.

"PENISES," Kenichi whispers.

"What?"

Kenichi points at Tanimoto and Takeda, looking up at the ceiling and repeats himself. Tanimoto glances to the still unclad Takeda and can hear the chain on his self-control snap.

He lifts his hand to bonk Kenichi another good one to the back of the head, but then halts on the downward stroke--there's been quite enough touching for one day. For the rest of the year, even.

Takeda leans back against the arm of the couch, folding his arms behind his head. "Well I'm sooooo glad you two could come by today."

Tanimoto looks right at Takeda and glares. "I hate you."

"And that's why you grabbed my dick?"

Tanimoto flushes and sputters while Kenichi clamps his hands over his ears and begins to rock in place.

Takeda lifts one eyebrow, watching Tanimoto grapple for a comeback, and grinning.

"Shut up! I was just--just--making use of the environment!" Tanimoto finally says, and Takeda bursts out laughing.

"I had no idea you could be so cute, Tanimoto-kun."

"Put some clothes on dammit!" Tanimoto barks, picking up the towel and slapping Takeda with it.

"I was going to before you and Kenichi-kun started some kind of bondage roleplay sex game with my property while my back was turned--"

"That's not what happened!" Tanimoto insists, getting more and more flustered.

"This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening," Kenichi mutters to himself, eyes trained firmly on the floor. Every important bit is tucked away, his back to the wall and his knees to his chest.

He's never going to look at a penis, touch a penis, think about penises, ever, ever again. He'll just hold it in forever.

"Oi, Kenichi-kun, you all right?" Takeda asks, still sprawled naked as a jaybird on his couch. Kenichi thinks of all the times he's sat there, a few times even slept on it.

"Never again.

Takeda just keeps fucking laughing. "Sure, sure, you'll be fine."

"I swear to God, that little bitch dragged me into it," Tanimoto still rants, not even bothering to pay attention to Kenichi's serious wounds. "I was trying to be responsible and get it back before he injured himself, and look where that fucking got us."

"Penis," Kenichi says.

Tanimoto throws his hands in the air and screams at the ceiling. "LOOK. YOU have a penis, I have a penis, Takeda has a fucking penis--"

"That's exactly what I use it for, y--"

"SHUT UP," Tanimoto spits, finger stabbing wildly at the air in front of Takeda's nose. "We ALL. HAVE. PENISES. PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS."

Kenichi turns white. Takeda turns blue, from laughing, clutching his stomach and pounding his fist on the couch cushion.

"S-stop, stop, I'm going to die," he stutters, tears streaming down his face.

"Can I?" Kenichi says to his knees. "I'd like to."

Tanimoto clutches his hair and gives into the need to shriek. He throws in some foot stomps for good measure. Not knowing where to turn he points once again at Takeda only to gargle on his words and turns to stab the air in front of Kenichi's face with the other hand. This sets Takeda off all over again and Tanimoto is just about to start sputtering when the doorbell rings.

Utter quiet descends upon the three men as they turn to stare at the door as one.

"Takeda? You in there?" Pounding is delivered with Ukita's muffled voice.

"Oh shit, we're late!" Takeda looks frantically at the clock.

"Kenichi-san?" Miu's voice travels through the door.

Kenichi sobs out "Miu-san! MIU-SAN DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS!" and springs from his fetal postion, arms outstretched.

"DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR-"

"NO, WAIT, KENICHI-"

Both men lunge toward Kenichi to halt his progress but Tanimoto trips over the thing-that-shall-be-destroyed, and Takeda trips over Tanimoto. The only appendage of Kenichi's they are able to grasp are his ankles, but not in time to prevent him from opening the door.

OH. MY. GOD. Fucking kill me right now and be done with it. Or better yet, kill the shrimp in many long painful ways, wrapped in the contraption from hell.

It's an interesting tableau, a little part in the back of Tanimoto's mind analyzes. Ukita, Miu, and Honoka on one side of the door, all staring stupefied and blushing, and them on the floor, Kenichi wearing his pathetic ohmygodiamsaved face, and Takeda redder than Miu's shirt.

"Ahem. Yes...well...uh, as I can see that you are busy we shall leave you alone and meet up later. Yes. Um," Ukita manages.

Miu's eyes have started to water and Honoka is looking dangerously still. In a quick flash of self-preservation as he has no urge to be bitten--again--Tanimoto manages to close the door in their faces.

Kenichi whimpers out a watery "Miu-san," one hand stretched pleadingly.

"Time to pay the consequences," Tanimoto says as he turns on his companions.



--
FIN




\o/
Tags: collab, crack, erisabesu: fic, insanity, kenichi, lol, ot3, raburabu, randomnimity, writing
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